No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
She just used a chaser for red wine.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
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