yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Randomize
