If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
