I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
Randomize
