My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Josh has a goal of being naked in every RAs room this year. He's already 3/11.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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