if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
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