I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Randomize
