Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
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