Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
