get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
