and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
No...this little piggys going to the bar
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
