all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
I have aggressive nipples.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Randomize
