You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
