She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Randomize
