I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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