when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
