i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Randomize
