At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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