the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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