Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Randomize
