what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
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