There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
