if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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