the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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