Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Randomize
