How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
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