Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
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