Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
My dick has a subreddit
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Randomize
