I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
