mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
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