Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
