Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
Randomize
