I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
he had hair everywhere except his balls
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
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