Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
