Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
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