3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
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