Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
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