at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
