I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
