he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
