Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Randomize
