My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
The beers last night were like the tears from god
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
