Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Randomize
