Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
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