god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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