I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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