Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
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