i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
