dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Randomize
