I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
Randomize
