I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Randomize
