I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
